AUSTERITY

"Everything has it's opposite; dark and light, good and bad. For the Mormonk, the full moon represents the light of righteousness and the blessings that we receive daily from God's hand. The new moon reminds us that we only recognize joy through contrast with sorrow." ~The Mormonk

AUSTERITY is an interesting Mormonk festival. It's an aknowledgement of the trials in life, which is usually a subject Mormonks avoid. It begins three days before the night of the new moon. During this time, Mormonks do not shave their heads, and they carry a candle with them as a symbolic gesture of holding on to the light. According to tradition, they also wear a sackcloth girdle, but some do not because they haven't had time to run to the fabric store in Provo and buy some. As often as they wear robes they wear the hood up.

I considered not smiling for all of AUSTERITY, and even did a small non-smiling test-run or two. There's a Maverik night clerk who's scared of me now, a Mountain America teller who probably dusted off the emergency button under her desk after my visit, and a fistful of clerks at MAKK Cosmetics who agree that I'm the strangest customer they've ever had. Most likely. Taking all evidence into account, it made me feel too much like a jerk, so I've decided against that.

I think I am going to begin the smile experiments. Once I have a little spare time, I'm going to print up some business cards and set up some online surveys people can take. Besides that, I don't know what else I'm going to do for AUSTERITY. Probably try to hitchhike or something.

Oh, and AUSTERITY ends with a vigil on the night of the full moon. Because that worked so well last time.

Alright, y'all, wish me luck.

Reactions Log

Two guys at Maverik: "WOW! Did you see that guy?" (this is the same Maverik where if there isn't a mohawk on at least one of your customers, it's a slow night)
Guy at Deseret Industries: "So, you got community service too?"
Guy at Deseret Industries: "Do you do kung fu?"
Girl at Deseret Industries: "Do you hang out with the guys at veteran's park? They look exactly like you." (Congratulations second LARP reference)
Crazy guy at Deseret Industries: "Are're're're... are you a chef?"
Crazy guy at Deseret Industries: "Can you fly?" Me: "No. I wish, that would be cool." Guy: "Oh. Just thought I'd ask."
Boss: "Still wearing the robe?" Me: "For another thirty days." Boss (skeptically): "Really? Wow."
Other Boss: "Your plan to repel girls is working."
J. (female): "So, WHAT is UP with the monk robes?" (I wasn't wearing them at the time). "I was driving somewhere with my friend, and I saw you walking down the hill, and I was like, 'who is the MONK?' And then I saw it was you, and I just about DIED!"

It remains difficult to balance out when it's appropriate to wear the robes and when it isn't. Depending on your definition of appropriate, it might never be. I've decided that when those around me should really be focused on something else, then it becomes inappropriate. Of course, that would mean I probably shouldn't wear them near any roads; but oh, well.

I'm not immune to driving distraction, either. I was driving from work to Deseret Industries for a volunteer assignment, and I was late. I made some very un-monkish traffic maneuvers and more-or-less accidentally cut somebody off in order to get to a streetlight first. Feeling somewhat bad about that, I vowed that I would get off the line as soon as the light turned green, in order to prove that I really was in a hurry and not just being a jerk.

That's when I noticed the street dancer. He was performing on the sidewalk off to my left, and was pretty dang good at it. As I stared, the light turned green, and I was significantly behind everybody else getting off the line. I cursed him and all street dancers and tried to make up for lost time.

On my way home from the same assignment, I was passing yet another intersection and noticed that the dancer had changed venue to Provo. In the process of noticing, I ran a red light.

I've decided the street dancer is my arch nemesis.

History and Background: What a Mormonk Is

"I felt strangely called to the order. Emphasis on strangely." ~The Mormonk

It started with a girl.

OK, no, that's not true. It actually started with a guy. Regardless of the gender, it began when I was trying to think up a clever posting name for a Mormon blog (SaveTheCurelom.com). A friend of mine had invited me in and encouraged me to post there, and I wanted to be all smooth about it. I wanted something clever. So I sat, my hands poised over the keys while the cursor blinked in the "Username" slot.

Then, it came to me; "The MorMonk." Yes, my name is David, and I am a nerd.

That being said, Monkness has always held a certain allure for me. Mostly, it's the robes.



But beyond the sweet apparel, there's a lot to be said for the lifestyle. Simple living sounds awesome; yet beyond that, they also have a rigid code of self-discipline and ethics. It may not be true completely across the board, but it seems also like they have a sense of peace that comes with self-denial, self-mastery, and purpose. Self-control has ever been my weakness, and so it stands to reason that those who seem to be gifted with a junkload of it would garner my envy.

I posted once in the blog (sorry, Bradley,) and then time went on and I forgot about it. The term MorMonk bounced around in my head like a musket ball in a copper kettle, and from time to time I would figure out a way to work the term into a conversation. Yes, I was proud of it. But for the most part, life moved on.

And life sucked. Oh, shoot, I'm not allowed to say that. Life was... interesting. Interesting in the way the Chinese curse you by saying, "may you live in interesting times," interesting. I could not seem to find a job to save my life, so I had no car and no phone. Generally, it felt like the rest of the world was moving on and becoming evermore powerful and attractive while I was gaining weight and submitting applications to burger joints. Even in the midst of all that stress, I still managed to find time to break my heart against some girl (I'm talented that way).

Finally, having reached the end of my rope and received news that was, proverbially, the straw that broke the camel's back, I just said in my frustration, "I should just become a Mormonk!"

Then I giggled. Then I laughed; and even when I finished laughing, the idea brought a huge smile to my face. The crooked, rusty little gears in my head began to turn. What was wrong with my life? Well, for starters, I tend to lose objectivity around girls. Fine; I'd be celibate. No dating, no flirting, no nothing. Just to compound that, I would shave my head... if that didn't keep girls away, nothing would. What else? Well, I waste a lot of time online. Fine; I'd swear off YouTube and facebook. I'm too concerned about the opinions of others. Fine; I'd wear robes in public, as a way of making myself more callous to disapproval. The more I thought about it, the more attractive the idea became.

Perhaps you shouldn't make critical decisions while emotionally compromised.

The euphoria lasted until the day after I bought the fabric for my robes. I woke up the next morning, forty dollars poorer and eight yards of black cloth richer, and lay in bed thinking "what have I done?" But I had spent money; I was committed. Originally, the plan had been six months. I swallowed my pride and shortened it to forty days. It seemed like a nice religious number.

Wednesday, June 15th, I spent the entire night of the full moon sitting in a park near my home in a "vigil;" and the morning of Thursday, I shaved my head and became...

The Mormonk.

Now you know.

Meditation

"Optimism is the Mormonk's bread and butter. Though it may not seem to be so, negativity is an indulgence... one that any Mormonk does his best to deny himself." ~The Mormonk

OK, to begin with, I found the most awesome combination in the world. Ready? Applesauce pancakes and DI chili.


Doesn't that just look delectable?

Being a Mormonk is much more emotionally draining than I had imagined it would be. I mean, I knew it was going to cut me off from the world. To a degree, that was the point. But this is really starting to wear on me.

You wanna know what it awesome, though? Morning meditation. Knowing nothing about real monk meditation, I simply decided to make it the time of day where I spent some time thinking about what it is I really want out of life, and who it is I am, really. And you know what? It works. It felt wonderful to just sit and think about how awesome life can be... will be, even.

I think one of the problems in life is that we become so wrapped up in the nonsense of the day-to-day grind that we forget to take care of ourselves. Being a monk has allowed me to do that. In fact, I feel obligated now to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I also feel guilty about wasting time and not being productive. My life is awesome right now.

Hopefully, the next 30-odd days will be even more awesome than the first five have been.

Bless you, my child.

Milestone

Well, it happened.

I'm just a volunteery kind of guy. Naturally, when they asked for people to do security on the church building and nobody seemed to want to raise their hands, I figured, "aw, what the heck," and I stuck mine right up there.

Sucurity is fairly straightforward. It's a week long assignment. Two men from the church are responsible for doing a walkthrough of the church building each night after activities, making sure that all the doors and windows are locked and that the building is actually vacant. Then, we do a walk-around outside to be sure everything's secure out there. Matt was my partner, and he kept the keys to the building. Pretty simple.

Saturday was to be our last day. At 10:05 pm I pulled into the parking lot. At about the same time, a silver car pulled in the other side. Perfect, I thought; Matt's right on time.

I parked one spot away from it and looked over to greet Matt. To my surprise, it wasn't Matt. It was a guy and girl I didn't recognize. We sort of stared at each other for a moment, then they put their car in reverse and left. Ah, well. I texted Matt to let him know I had arrived and sat back to wait for him.

About ten minutes later, I saw another car pulling into the parking lot. HERE he is, I thought. About time, too. But at just that moment, I got a text from Matt. He had forgotten all about it, but told me not to worry, that he and his brother would come do it later and that I was off the hook.

Well, then, who was THAT?

The car pulled up facing my car, and it was about then that I realized it was a police cruiser. The officer got out of the car, one hand on his gun or tazer or whatever it was. "Hello, sir," he said.

Oh, no way. This was too ironic. I was getting the cops called on me for trying to make sure that the building was safe.

We got a call, he said. Somebody said they saw you hanging out here.

Well, yes, I'm running security on the building, but my partner didn't show up, so I'm about to take off.

Uh-huh, he said. Do you just check the doors to make sure they're closed?

Well, no; we go in and make sure nobody's in there, and THEN we make sure all the doors are locked.

What company are you from?

Et cetera. Just my luck; I'm in the middle of Mormon central, and the darn cop isn't even Mormon. At least, he'd never done building security before, anyway. Finally he decided I checked out, and he took off.

I wish I could think on my feet better. There are so many fun things I could have done with him, including;

Told him I was on a religious pilgrimage to this particular chapel. Acted very emotional about it.

Referred to myself in third person as "the Mormonk."

Told him I was there to scare people off, and I'd probably be there all night.

Asked him who'd squealed. When he refused to tell, insist it was Frankie. Mutter something about 'getting that stool pigeon.'

OK, putting that aside, here's the real question; had I not been wearing a black robe and sporting a shaved head, would the cops still have gotten called? And because we're all fairly sure it was that silver car that called them, shouldn't the better question be, what were THEY doing in the parking lot? Honestly, they pull in, realize they're not alone, and pull out again.

Suspicious...

First Exposure

Right now, I'm not really doing anything crazy. I'm just trying to get as much public exposure in as possible.

Reactions have been pretty tame. Possibly people are afraid to look at me; I wear all black, and I have a shaved head, so I'm a little on the intimidating side. Today in the car, I pretended to cast a curse on a police officer who pulled up next to us. It involved a lot of finger wiggling. He mostly just stared at me. He was probably not sure how to react to a bald guy muttering in sign language. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep a straight face.

One of my jobs doesn't involve any face-to-face customer interaction, so I decided to wear my robes (next time you order something online, realize that the nice-sounding guy on the other end could be wearing just about anything... or nothing.) Again, almost no reaction. My boss continues to pretend that there's nothing strange about my clothing choice, although he does look a little nervous, as though he's unsure of how to broach the subject. My favorite reaction came from my co-worker, though. He came in and sat down in the cubicle next to mine, and we talked over the wall a little. After a moment I stood and came around. He looked me up and down, then gave me a nonplussed look. "Battleguard?" he asked.




Nope. Well... not yet, anyways.

INITIATION

"A Mormonk is one who has separated himself from the world. His rewards are great; he has walked where none have walked, he has seen what none have seen. The price is solitude." ~The Mormonk

Well, my children, my INITIATION is complete. Has been, actually, since Thursday morning; but I promised I'd get you some pictures.



Originally, INITIATION was going to be a very spiritual affair. I had ambitions of climbing Maple Mountain and spending the night up there contemplating the mysteries of life, or studying my scriptures, or gazing upon the full moon. I decided against Maple Mountain when my sister pointed out that mountain lions are nocturnal. Also highly carnivorous. Also local. Now, I'm just as brave as the next man, but I do enjoy my jugular the way it is, so I changed venue to a small park near my home.

Wednesday evening was amazing. Utah gets into a certain mood sometimes, like it's tired of being boring ol' Utah, and it puts on a show. On one side of the sky there were thick storm clouds. The sun painted them red, and lightning lanced down out of them on occasion. There was a smell of storm in the air, like any minute something amazing might happen. I had imagined a calm, peaceful night, but I kind of liked this better.

I was busy all day on Wednesday. My wonderful mother obliged me by putting the final touches on my robe and cowl. She has been surprisingly supportive of this idea.



A little after midnight, I donned my new robes and walked... solemnly... up the hill to the park.

The moon was full, and the storm clouds that had threatened had mostly cleared. It was perfect... for about ten minutes. Then the boredom set in. A cat gave up its hunt for a few minutes to come and introduce himself to me, and while it was pleasant to have company, it also kicked off my hay fever. Then, it began to get cold.

About 12.45 I bit the bullet and went back down to the house. I collected a blanket, my scriptures, and a small flashlight. I ended up never using the scriptures or the flashlight. Mostly I sat with the blanket wrapped around me, dozing uncomfortably on the park bench, wondering when the police were going to show up and end my misery.

4.10 am, I bit the bullet again and went back to the house. I dropped off my scriptures, flashlight, and blanket, and picked up a nice warm sleeping bag instead.

5.30 am, I woke from a surprisingly good nap. I felt bad that my vigil hadn't actually been that vigilant, and somewhat disappointed that the cops had never showed up. The sun wasn't quite up, but it was light out; so I rolled up the sleeping back and trudged back down the hill.

INITIATION wasn't all I had thought it would be, really. I realized, as I returned to the house, that like so many other things, if I had prepared better then it would have been much more amazing. No, being a MorMonk wasn't what I had thought it would be so far; but even with my plans constantly going awry, I am learning.

THIS completed INITIATION;


Now I can wear black robes in public and do all sorts of other weird things, but you know what I'm most excited about? Eating something other than bread.
No, seriously.

PURIFICATION

"The Key of the MorMonk is self-mastery. Take away the robes and the ceremonies, the shaver and the beard-trimmer, and what do you have left? A naked man who is, none-the-less, completely in control of himself." ~The MorMonk

PURIFICATION

So, purification kind of snuck up on me. For some reason, I figured I was going to start the purification cycle on a Wednesday or Tuesday. But there I was, Sunday night, thinking about my scheduling, and I realized, "oh, snap! My purification cycle begins tomorrow!"

This would have all been find and dandy, except... well, I wasn't completely sure what a purification cycle WAS. I knew that it began three days before INITIATION, and that it involved eating nothing but whole-wheat bread and water. Originally I was going to make the whole-wheat bread myself, but like I said, I forgot. Luckily, there were a couple of loaves hanging around, and I was able to eat them instead. OK, yes, they were store-bought, but you can't win them all.

I also haven't actually finished the robe yet. I had hoped to have two robes and a cowl finished before INITIATION, but it's looking like I'll be lucky to finish even one. I'll upload some pictures when I finish with it.

Today is day three of PURIFICATION. Despite myself, I have learned a thing or two already.

I noticed something odd began to happen when I began eating only bread and water. Slowly, I began to turn into a gingerbread man. OK, no. Actually, I began to use the internet a lot. A LOT, a lot. Like, I found myself checking facebook every five minutes. Logically, it didn't make any sense; was anything significant going to change in five minutes? Yet I found myself drawn back over and over and over again. Finally, toward the end of the day, I realized what had happened; I had eliminated a compulsive behavior, and the other one was making up for it. Eating for pleasure was out of the question now, so instead, boredom drove me to the computer.

To fix that, I determined that the following day, I would only check the computer once.

DAY TWO.
I checked the computer probably no later than seven in the morning. Not bad, when you consider that I woke up at 5.30 and had been dying to check in for the following hour and a half. Finally I gave in, and checked it.

No news.

Great. Just great. For the next four hours I found myself crawling the walls. Actually, to be literal, I mostly sat in my bed and pondered (meditated, I guess; I am a monk) on how much time I wasted eating and hanging out on the computer. I settled on annoying my brother, who at 10a STILL was not awake. He's fun. Work rescued me from 11a to 3.30p (thank you, Papa Johns!) but by 4p I was crawling the walls again.

Finally, I picked up my guitar and began to play. After about ten minutes, a thought came into my head; "this is boring. Go check facebook." I ignored the thought and continued playing; and oddly, my playing began to improve. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe facebook was one of the reasons that I was still such a poor guitarist after six or seven years of playing. What else was facebook and eating ruining for me?

I had promised myself that I would get a cell phone on DAY ONE, but I had been busy checking facebook. So, I got up and went and got myself a cell phone.

Then, I began to iron out my finances. This actually provided an excuse to get back on the computer... you know, so I could check my bank accounts online. Instead, I just got ready for when I had those numbers available, and reminded myself that it could wait. And you know what? It did.

Then, I went and hung out with my nephew for a few hours. By 'hung out,' I mean I watched Princess Mononoke while he slept in the other room. I didn't even miss any plot elements because I got distracted by facebook or food. It was amazing.

DAY THREE...

... is actually today. Already, though, I've noticed now that because two of my major compulsions are under control, a lot of the minor compulsions are easily controlled. I got out of bed; I prayed; I even exercised. And even know that I'm on the computer, facebook doesn't seem that important. My bank accounts are important, the blog is important, my e-mail is important. Facebook? Ehhh... not so much (as a note aside, should 'facebook' be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence?) You know, when you limit your resources, it's amazing how quickly your priorities iron themselves out.

I'll report on the rest of DAY THREE when I report on my INITIATION... which is tonight. Oh, snap! I also promise to post at least one ceremony, and to post some pictures. Until then...

Godspeed, my child.

Greetings.

Patience, my child. The MorMonk is coming.