REINTIGRATION

So, I had originally planned to film an awesome outgoing monologue. However, I didn't configure the mic correctly, so instead I got a little silent film with no subtitles. I watered it down and added horrible guitar music, and here you go;



With the video out of comission, I guess I'll just have to ruminate on being a Mormonk in print.

I'm going to miss the robes, really; but when push comes to shove, they really didn't help as much as I had hoped they would. I just compensated for them by being extra nice and extra smiley. One interesting thing, though, was that when I forced myself to NOT smile, people payed more attention to me. True, it was probably more attention in a "I really hope he's not a psychopath" sort of way, but still. Perhaps forcing a smile isn't always the best way to do things.

People tried really hard to ignore the robes. I guess people aren't usually confident enough to rock the boat.

I learned some interesting things from wearing the robe, but I think the biggest thing I learned was that you don't NEED a robe. Of course, if I hadn't used one, I wouldn't have learned that.

The majority of what I learned came through what I did. You will always be stronger when exercising self-discipline than not. Sometimes, though, it actually takes more self-control to "indulge" than to abstain. Take the whole celibacy thing. It wasn't particularly difficult for me to avoid girls because... well, that's what I do anyway. What I SHOULD have done is seen how many dates I could get (although honestly, who's going to date a guy in black robes? I guess we'll never know now, will we?)

You'd think that now that I'm "free" I'd be dying to just run wild. Actually, I'm kind-of adopting a bunch of rules for myself, many of which are pulled straight out of the Mormonk handbook. However, these are tailor-fit to what I want to do with my life now, instead of what I want to become. Celibacy (platonic celibacy, I mean) is very out. Robes are out. Prayer and scripture reading are in. No radio? Probably need some adjustments, but most likely in. No facebook? Softened, but in. No YouTube? Probably in. I've actually enjoyed avoiding these things that waste my time and pull me down. How weird.

I also want to learn how to make and keep goals. I would have accomplished so much more as a Mormonk if I had firm ideas about what I wanted and a timeline for getting it.

My next goal is to become as successful as possible; to create a lifestyle, appearance, and demeanor that invites and even demands success.

The goatee may come back.

Wish me luck, everybody, and thanks for reading.

Adios,
~The Mormonk

FINAL Reactions Log

"All good things come to an end." ~The Mormonk?

Alright, this is my second to last post as the Mormonk, so I figured I'd better get some last-minute reactions out there.

My boss told me today that he had learned from my "monk thing" that we ought to be more action and less talk. Re-learned it, anyway. That was the best reaction yet.

One of my friends mentioned that with my tan and this do, I look like a mexican. I guess that's probably a compliment... ?

Really, the hardest thing about telling you about the reactions I get from people is that it's hard to explain all the little things; people being afraid to look at you a second time, people not quite knowing what to do with their eyes, and that split-second between them not seeing you and when they realize they shouldn't stare. So, I decided to get you a little treat. I managed to get some video of those exact responses I've been talking about. This short video represents a couple of hours of running errands, trying to record with a car remote, and generally being suspicious. Bon apetite!

Reactions Note

One interesting reaction that I've had so far is being asked for cigarrettes. This has happened to me twice now, once while wearing the robes and once in my Papa John's uniform. This had NEVER happened to me while I was clean-cut. Not that surprising, I guess, but sort of interesting. Both times I was approached, it was by teenagers.

Fail

"A Mormonk is at peace. A mormonk realized that even with the best of intentions and suitably adequite planning, plans fall through." ~The Mormonk

I don't think y'all wished me enough luck.

Monday was supposed to be pretty straightforward. Work from 7a to 12, then just chillin' until the activity at 7p. Plenty of time to wash my robe and maybe even make some last minute modifications.

'Course, when I got the opportunity to work an extra four hours, I jumped at the chance. After all, that would still give me three hours to get my robes washed and all that jazz, right?

Things begin to look at little iffy around 3.30, when calls began to come into our office at an astonishing rate.

At 4.30, I'm beginning to think that this could get really tight. It was about then that I got a call on my cell from my other work, Papa Johns. The scheduled driver had called in sick at the last minute. For some strange reason, I agreed to come in at 6, which I barely made.

Ran pizzas until 8.15. Went straight to the activity from there.

Well, at least it wasn't cowardice.

MORMONK UPDATE: I'm going to finish being a Mormonk this coming Saturday morning, instead of waiting until Monday like I wanted to. The reason for this is that my good scoutleader, Bro. H., found himself short-staffed at a week-long scout camp and asked me to come up and be their quartermaster. Why they think the quarters need a master, I may never know. Anyway, that starts on Saturday and goes until the following Saturday, and I'm probably not going to have access to a computer there, which would greatly hinder my blogging. Instead of giving you a week of dead air before writing my conclusary remarks, I think I'll just cut it short a few days.

Wimp

So, I realized that I've kind-of been being a wimp with this robe thing. I mean, I've walked around town with it one, I've walked into stores and made purchases with the robe on, I've even played paintball with the robe on (proof picture to come later). But every time there's an opportunity to meet with the people in my local congregation with the robe on, I chicken out.

My friend Kyle and I were talking, and we were discussing the old adage "the brave man dies only once, the coward a thousand times." In other words, fearing something makes it so much worse than it is. I expected all sorts of repercussions when I started wearing this robe. To date? Nothing worse than "are you from the last airbender?" People I don't talk to seem obviously a little weirded-out by it, but anybody I actually talk with about it quickly warms to the idea and even finds it entertaining.

We make excuses for ourselves, I think. "Well, if I do THAT, then THIS will happen and I'll have no friends and never be able to get a date and WON'T IT BE TERRIBLE???"

Uh, no. I have yet to run across a situation that was quite as bad as I imagined it was going to be. So, as long as I've gone this long, and as long as I'm almost out of time with this gig, I think it's finally time to look like a weirdo in front of people that I'm going to have to deal with on a long-term basis.

My church is having a big bonfire tonight. I'm going to go home and wash my robes.

Wish me luck.

The Last Vigil

I really, really wish I had something better to report than I usually do. I had intended to.

My friend Jeff came over and took me to the gym at about 11.30 last night. I feel really lucky right now, because by all rights I should be sore as all-get-out right now, but I'm not. I'm worn out and tired, but not sore.

On our way out of the gym, I looked up and realized it was the full moon. No more Mr. Fall-Asleep-Before-The-Vigil-Is-Finished; I was going to see it through this time. When I got home, I collected my scriptures, my journals, and a candlestick, and headed upstairs for the long night.

Yeah, that didn't last long.

We don't have A/C. As a result, the method I use to cool my room is a window fan. I turned out the lights and lit the candle, but candles don't give out as much light as I'd hoped. Beyond that, the window fan made sure that the candle was constantly flickering, and the only thing harder than trying to read scriptures by candlelight is trying to read scriptures by severely flickering candlelight. Heaven smite me, but it wasn't a very interesting chapter, either.

I woke up at 5.30. The candle was almost burned out. So, yes; I slept through my last vigil.

So, it's official; I've stopped shaving my head, and I only have ten days left in the robes. These next three days will constitute the last of my last festival. I'll try to make them interesting.

Reactions Log 2

Really, only one reaction. I was going into the library, and two little boys were coming out. Boy 1 opened the door, stopped dead in his tracks, and stared at me.
Boy 1: What the... !
*I smile and continue walking*
Boy 1: Are you a ninja?
Me: Close, I'm a monk.
*I continue into the library and drop off my books. Boys continue talking excitedly behind me. I turn and walk past them on my way out. A moment later, they come riding past my on their bikes, boy 1 in the lead.*
Boy 1: Hey, are you from "The Last Airbender?"
Me: No, but good guess.
Boy 2: Why did you say you were a monk, then?

Honestly, what can you say to that?


Actually, I'm a little creeped-out.

Here's something else to think about, since this is (supposedly) a blog dealing with sociology; I am boring.

Yes, we know.

Smart alecs. What I mean is, I have no real-world imagination and precious little ambition. I don't want a ferrari... can you imagine how much repairs, maintenance, and insurance would cost? Give me a good, reliable Toyota anyday. Don't want fame... gosh, I want to be able to go out in public, for the love! I just... don't really want a lot.

But the other day, as I was delivering a pizza to a used car dealership, the lady at the counter casually pointed out the least practical car on the lot and said, "you should buy the quattro." It was a car not unlike this one...




Not really paying attention, I glanced out at the parking lot and matched myself to the car I thought she would assume for me. "That one?" I asked, pointing.



When she pointed the Audi out to me, I literally laughed out loud. She was nonplussed. "How much do you think a car like that would go for?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "Fifteen to twenty thousand, probably." I really have no idea about these things.

She shook her head. "Eighty-nine ninety-five," she said slyly.

Right now, my price range is somewhere between two-hundred fifty and FREE. Yet, as I drove away, I kept looking back at that pretty Audi convertible that I hadn't even noticed driving in. Maybe I could get financing. I make a little money at Papa Johns; I could make payments if they would make them low enough. Maybe...

Guys, I don't even WANT a convertible. Definitely don't want a two-seater. Yet, if she had suggested the nasty little hatchback, I would have been able to blow it off easily. It was flattering to think that anybody could see ME... ME! In a car like THAT. Did I really give the impression of being that successful enough to drive around in a two-seater Audi convertible? Probably not, but the lady got me to think so, and that made me want to prove her right.

I think we all radiate something... success, failure, optimism, depression, whatever. Generally, the world reflects back to us what we radiate to them; but I think that the day we learn to reflect back something other than what they radiate is the day we will learn how to rule the world. If we can learn to reflect optimism back on a pessimist, friendliness back on somebody stand-offish, or success back on somebody who believes they are a failure, then we have learned how to truly change hearts and minds.

MORMONK UPDATE: tonight is my REINTIGRATION vigil. As usual, I haven't decided how it's going to work, but I'll let you know when I do. After tonight, I have ten more days before the great MORMONK experiment ends. These ten days will be spend preparing to re-enter society. How? Don't really know.

Maybe I'll just play guitar a lot.

"One does not act like a Mormonk. One becomes one." ~The Mormonk

I'm officially starting to feel weird.

I'm over halfway done now. AUSTERITY marked the halfway point between the two full-moon festivals, and the second full-moon festival is when I'm going to let my hair start growing out again. Ten days later, I shave the goatee off and go back to being normal.

Well, OK, "normal" is a relative term.

Anyway, this morning as I shaved, I thought about what it would be like to finally shave off the goatee, and I actually started to panic. Apparently, I've become attached to it. I don't really like it, I prefer to be clean shaven; but actually shaving it off kind of spooks me.

The second thing was that I went to dinner without time to change out of my work clothes. It might be the first time I appeared in public without my robes since INITIATION, and it felt weird. I felt kind-of naked. Of course, I looked relatively normal to everyone else (again, "normal" is relative), but I felt like I wasn't dressed. Maybe sort of the same way you'd feel if you wore jeans to a formal dinner.

I'm going to miss being a Monk, when the time comes. Today is probably the first day I could really say that.

I really want to get the 'smile' experiment done before I finish. Wish me luck. No, I've never explained the 'smile' experiment, but I'll let you know more about it some other time. I'm tired, I'm up past my Monk curfew, and I'm going to bed.

Finally! The Meaning of AUSTERITY

"Mormonks are taught to see things not by what they are, but by what they represent." ~The Mormonk

Think about light. What does it do? What is it? Where does it come from?

Light has long been used to symbolize goodness, righteousness, and truth. Light allows us to move freely, to explore, to broaden our minds, to learn and grow. It gives us pleasure and pain. As human beings, it dominates our sensory intake. Doctrine and Covenants tells us that "That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." A quick search of the scriptures shows us many more examples of light being used to mean understanding and/or revelation.

Consider Alma 19:6;

Now, this was what Ammon desired, for he knew that king Lamoni was under the power of God; he knew that the dark veil of unbelief was being cast away from his mind, and the light which did light up his mind, which was the light of the glory of God, which was a marvelous light of his goodness—yea, this light had infused such joy into his soul, the cloud of darkness having been dispelled, and that the light of everlasting life was lit up in his soul, yea, he knew that this had overcome his natural frame, and he was carried away in God—

Isn't the symbolism interesting? Here's one verse that's very well known by Mormonks. Matt 6:22 is part of our only daily ceremony, the Daily Cleansing;

The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

So, what does this have to do with the moon? Well, see which moon you like best;


OR



Alright, one more seemingly irrelevant point before tie it all together. 2 Nephi 7:11;

Behold all ye that kindle fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks, walk in the light of your fire and in the sparks which ye have kindled. This shall ye have of mine hand—ye shall lie down in sorrow.

Wow, wow, hold on now; if light represents righteousness and goodness, truth and purity, what on earth is THIS verse telling us? We're not SUPPOSED to create light?

That's what I took from it, after a lot of thought.

Well, why would that be?

Because WE are NOT the source of light, truly, anymore than the moon is the true source of light. All the goodness and righteousness we have comes from God. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, is the Light and the Life. Like the moon, the light that we have comes from an external source; the moon gets its light from the Sun, and we get ours from the Son. Our job is not to create light, but to receive it and reflect it.

There's another striking similarity between us and the moon. Like the Son, the sun it always burning and creating light and warmth. It is a constant; it does not move, it does not change. If the moon was nearly as constant, it would always reflect the light of the sun, and we would always have light at night. My first vigil was during the full moon, and I can tell you; it was pretty darn bright. Hardly daylight, of course, but bright enough that I could see and find my way. We can be that, too, if we're willing to receive the light of Christ; we can become a beacon and hope to others.

But like the moon, we're not consistent. My second vigil was held on the night of the new moon, and it was very, very dark outside. What had happened to my round, glowing friend? Where was that light that I craved so? The moon was there, of course, but there was a significant difference; it had turned it's back on the sun.

Did the sun move? Did the sun change? No. The moon and the world moved. They changed. How often do we do the same thing? How often to we move away from our Father in Heaven and our Savior and then grow angry at THEM when we find ourselves in darkness?

AUSTERITY reminds the Mormonk of the consequences of trying to create light. The AUSTERITY candle is symbolic of this; in trying to create light in the darkness of sin, it consumes itself and eventually burns out. If we wish for light, for righteous and goodness, we must turn to the source.

Awkward

You know what's kind of awkward? Trying to use the restroom in robes. I'm just saying.

Focus

Howdy, Y'all!

So, I promised to tell you what the meaning behind AUSTERITY is, but... well, I don't really feel like it. In fact, I haven't been feeling very Mormonky at all lately, which I find kind of interesting.

But first, I have a couple more pictures for you. These were taken when I first began this gig, and HOPEFULLY I've grown into the robes a little since then.



Somebody asked if I was supposed to be a druid. Nope. Somebody also asked if I wore the yellow and maroon robes, and I said no, because those were Tibetan monks. Then I realized that didn't really make any sense, because technically, Mormons don't have monks, so I could as easily copy the Tibetans as the Catholics as the anybody else I care to. So, I guess it wasn't that silly to ask.

Incidentally, if you want to read an EXCELLENT non-fiction, read "Autobiography of a Tibetan Monk." Amazing book. I read it during AUSTERITY, and I think it's going to become Mormonk required reading.



And this shot is just to give an overview of the robe. Yup, hurr et be.

So like I said, I haven't been feeling very monkish lately. I'm kind of torn, now that my new appearance is beginning to set in. One part of me enjoys it all, but another part of me... resists. I'm a little less than half through with this experiment, and I haven't yet gotten everything out of it that I wanted to. You can only be something you're not for so long before it starts to wear on your nerves.

A big part of it is that I guess I had imagined a lot of interesting conversations, witty dialogue, and just general socialization being involved. I should have known better; most people aren't very likely to approach a stranger ANYWAY, and the chances decrease drastically when that stranger is bald and wearing black robes. Instead, I just see a lot of people look away quickly when they notice me noticing them.

At least now, the playing field is level; I make people as nervous as they make me. But that wasn't really the point of the experiment. I guess I had imagined that putting on black robes would somehow make me quick-witted and carefree; but while the robes definitely make a good conversation piece, they haven't given me the ability to think on my feet any better than I did before, and they haven't made me any bolder (except in that I have to explain myself regularly).

When push comes to shove, the robes are just like anything else; I'll get out of them what I put into them, and nothing more.

Alright, then; TOMORROW, I will explain the meaning of AUSTERITY.

Have a great Fourth of July, everyone.

The Second Vigil

"People have said that Mormonks are inflexible and unbending. This is untrue. When I exercised this morning, I could almost touch my knees." ~The Mormonk

One of these days, a vigil is going to go how it is supposed to. I've really only got a single vigil left, so I hope I do it right.

I had high hopes for AUSTERITY. However, high hopes alone do not a festival make. I didn't actually even get a chance to wear my robes for the first two days of AUSTERITY. Finally, by the night of the new moon, I decided it was time to get serious and buy that candle I talked about.

So, I rounded up my robes and headed for Wal*Mart. I hadn't really thought there would be much difference between wearing the hood up and wearing the hood down, but with the hood up it was amazing how much more self-conscious I felt. Kind of like I was just pretending about all this, being silly (which I guess I kind of am). Every time I caught somebody looking at me I would break into a large nervous grin, which ruined the effect of everything else.

Wearing the hood up also greatly hinders one's line of vision. I found myself constantly pulling it back, trying to keep it manageable. Between that, the grin, and tightening my rope belt every few minutes, I'm sure I didn't look quite as comfortable as I would have liked.

Once I had gotten into the store, found the candles, and reached the speedy checkout, I had more-or-less gotten the grin under control. Nobody seemed to want to get in line with me for quite some time. Finally a lady circled around from my blind spot, talking a little quickly.

"Hey, are you in line right here?"

"Yes, I am," I said. It was about then that I realized it was the wife of my old scoutleader, Sister H. The wife was sister H., I mean. The scoutleader would have been Brother H.

She looked almost as surprised to realize it was me as I was uncomfortable that it was her, but we started chatting and we got over it quickly. I explained briefly what I was doing, and we talked about monks a little. She told me that there's a monastery north of us, although what city she wasn't quite sure, which peaked my interest for sure.

Apparently, though, there are actually several. I clicked on the top Google result, which brought me to Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Trinity. Curious as always, I checked to see what a REAL monk's daily schedule would be like. It goes something like this;

3:15 AM ~ Rising
3:30 AM ~ Vigils
6:00 AM ~ Lauds
6:25 AM ~ Eucharist
7:45 AM ~ Terce
8:00 AM ~ Work
12:15 PM ~ Sext
12:30 PM ~ Dinner
1:00 PM ~ Rest
2:15 PM ~ None
2:30 PM ~ Work
5:30 PM ~ Vespers
6:00 PM ~ Supper
7:30 PM ~ Compline
8:00 PM ~ Retire

If you're as clinically irreverent as I am, you might have gotten a case of the giggles when you saw the seventh entry. However, I figured that the monks probably have a much nobler definition of the word "sext" than we do, so I checked on it.

Sext comes from the Latin word sexta, meaning "sixth [hour]," which, in ancient times was our 12 noon. It was approximately the hour when Jesus was crucified.

Just as I suspected. I really want to visit a monastery now.

Man, am I long-winded today! Alright, well, as soon as I had finished that Wal*Mart run, I headed up to my sister's house in Provo, where I'll be spending a good deal of time over the next ten or eleven days. She is headed down to Florida, and I'm house-sitting while she's gone. Also cat-sitting, garden-sitting, rabbit-sitting, and (I kid you not) chicken-sitting. I'll post some pictures. It almost feels like I've got a little monastery of my own now, except that my OTHER sister, her husband, and her little boy will probably be coming to house-sit with me. Also cat-sit, garden-sit, et cetera.

We had to make another trip to Wal*Mart before we could get to bed, and this one was a little more successful. I stopped fighting my hood, and just accepted that I didn't need to see anything above knee level... and you know what? I actually didn't. It becomes a lot easier not to stare at pretty girls when... well, when you can't even see them. It also makes it very easy to avoid movie and album covers that are less than tasteful, and to not grin when you see people looking at you (because, once again, you don't see them.)

On our way out of the store, I saw a bunch of feet moving past and heard the voices of college-age youngsters. "Hey, I really like that guy's robe!" one of them said. "Is he supposed to be like a monk, or a ninja?"

I said nothing. My sister told him that I was supposed to be a monk.

"Where did he get it?"

My sister told them I had made it. They seemed impressed. They attempted, through flattery, to get my to lift my hood, which I did not do. Or speak to them. In fact, I still don't know what they look like. They probably think I'm kind of a jerk, which is true; but for some reason, I felt like I had finally caught on to the appropriate mood of AUSTERITY. Next time I do AUSTERITY, I'm totally doing it this way.

The vigil itself was, like the last vigil, disappointing. I was TIRED. I decided that I would stay awake until the candle burned out. On a generous estimate, I made it about one-fourth of the way through the candle. Finally, I blew it out and went to sleep. AUSTERITY really isn't as important as the full-moon festival, so I'm not TOO disappointed. Still, I wish I could do these vigils in a more impressive manner.

I'll be posting the full meaning of AUSTERITY a little later, so stay tuned. Or not. Whatever.

AUSTERITY

"Everything has it's opposite; dark and light, good and bad. For the Mormonk, the full moon represents the light of righteousness and the blessings that we receive daily from God's hand. The new moon reminds us that we only recognize joy through contrast with sorrow." ~The Mormonk

AUSTERITY is an interesting Mormonk festival. It's an aknowledgement of the trials in life, which is usually a subject Mormonks avoid. It begins three days before the night of the new moon. During this time, Mormonks do not shave their heads, and they carry a candle with them as a symbolic gesture of holding on to the light. According to tradition, they also wear a sackcloth girdle, but some do not because they haven't had time to run to the fabric store in Provo and buy some. As often as they wear robes they wear the hood up.

I considered not smiling for all of AUSTERITY, and even did a small non-smiling test-run or two. There's a Maverik night clerk who's scared of me now, a Mountain America teller who probably dusted off the emergency button under her desk after my visit, and a fistful of clerks at MAKK Cosmetics who agree that I'm the strangest customer they've ever had. Most likely. Taking all evidence into account, it made me feel too much like a jerk, so I've decided against that.

I think I am going to begin the smile experiments. Once I have a little spare time, I'm going to print up some business cards and set up some online surveys people can take. Besides that, I don't know what else I'm going to do for AUSTERITY. Probably try to hitchhike or something.

Oh, and AUSTERITY ends with a vigil on the night of the full moon. Because that worked so well last time.

Alright, y'all, wish me luck.

Reactions Log

Two guys at Maverik: "WOW! Did you see that guy?" (this is the same Maverik where if there isn't a mohawk on at least one of your customers, it's a slow night)
Guy at Deseret Industries: "So, you got community service too?"
Guy at Deseret Industries: "Do you do kung fu?"
Girl at Deseret Industries: "Do you hang out with the guys at veteran's park? They look exactly like you." (Congratulations second LARP reference)
Crazy guy at Deseret Industries: "Are're're're... are you a chef?"
Crazy guy at Deseret Industries: "Can you fly?" Me: "No. I wish, that would be cool." Guy: "Oh. Just thought I'd ask."
Boss: "Still wearing the robe?" Me: "For another thirty days." Boss (skeptically): "Really? Wow."
Other Boss: "Your plan to repel girls is working."
J. (female): "So, WHAT is UP with the monk robes?" (I wasn't wearing them at the time). "I was driving somewhere with my friend, and I saw you walking down the hill, and I was like, 'who is the MONK?' And then I saw it was you, and I just about DIED!"

It remains difficult to balance out when it's appropriate to wear the robes and when it isn't. Depending on your definition of appropriate, it might never be. I've decided that when those around me should really be focused on something else, then it becomes inappropriate. Of course, that would mean I probably shouldn't wear them near any roads; but oh, well.

I'm not immune to driving distraction, either. I was driving from work to Deseret Industries for a volunteer assignment, and I was late. I made some very un-monkish traffic maneuvers and more-or-less accidentally cut somebody off in order to get to a streetlight first. Feeling somewhat bad about that, I vowed that I would get off the line as soon as the light turned green, in order to prove that I really was in a hurry and not just being a jerk.

That's when I noticed the street dancer. He was performing on the sidewalk off to my left, and was pretty dang good at it. As I stared, the light turned green, and I was significantly behind everybody else getting off the line. I cursed him and all street dancers and tried to make up for lost time.

On my way home from the same assignment, I was passing yet another intersection and noticed that the dancer had changed venue to Provo. In the process of noticing, I ran a red light.

I've decided the street dancer is my arch nemesis.

History and Background: What a Mormonk Is

"I felt strangely called to the order. Emphasis on strangely." ~The Mormonk

It started with a girl.

OK, no, that's not true. It actually started with a guy. Regardless of the gender, it began when I was trying to think up a clever posting name for a Mormon blog (SaveTheCurelom.com). A friend of mine had invited me in and encouraged me to post there, and I wanted to be all smooth about it. I wanted something clever. So I sat, my hands poised over the keys while the cursor blinked in the "Username" slot.

Then, it came to me; "The MorMonk." Yes, my name is David, and I am a nerd.

That being said, Monkness has always held a certain allure for me. Mostly, it's the robes.



But beyond the sweet apparel, there's a lot to be said for the lifestyle. Simple living sounds awesome; yet beyond that, they also have a rigid code of self-discipline and ethics. It may not be true completely across the board, but it seems also like they have a sense of peace that comes with self-denial, self-mastery, and purpose. Self-control has ever been my weakness, and so it stands to reason that those who seem to be gifted with a junkload of it would garner my envy.

I posted once in the blog (sorry, Bradley,) and then time went on and I forgot about it. The term MorMonk bounced around in my head like a musket ball in a copper kettle, and from time to time I would figure out a way to work the term into a conversation. Yes, I was proud of it. But for the most part, life moved on.

And life sucked. Oh, shoot, I'm not allowed to say that. Life was... interesting. Interesting in the way the Chinese curse you by saying, "may you live in interesting times," interesting. I could not seem to find a job to save my life, so I had no car and no phone. Generally, it felt like the rest of the world was moving on and becoming evermore powerful and attractive while I was gaining weight and submitting applications to burger joints. Even in the midst of all that stress, I still managed to find time to break my heart against some girl (I'm talented that way).

Finally, having reached the end of my rope and received news that was, proverbially, the straw that broke the camel's back, I just said in my frustration, "I should just become a Mormonk!"

Then I giggled. Then I laughed; and even when I finished laughing, the idea brought a huge smile to my face. The crooked, rusty little gears in my head began to turn. What was wrong with my life? Well, for starters, I tend to lose objectivity around girls. Fine; I'd be celibate. No dating, no flirting, no nothing. Just to compound that, I would shave my head... if that didn't keep girls away, nothing would. What else? Well, I waste a lot of time online. Fine; I'd swear off YouTube and facebook. I'm too concerned about the opinions of others. Fine; I'd wear robes in public, as a way of making myself more callous to disapproval. The more I thought about it, the more attractive the idea became.

Perhaps you shouldn't make critical decisions while emotionally compromised.

The euphoria lasted until the day after I bought the fabric for my robes. I woke up the next morning, forty dollars poorer and eight yards of black cloth richer, and lay in bed thinking "what have I done?" But I had spent money; I was committed. Originally, the plan had been six months. I swallowed my pride and shortened it to forty days. It seemed like a nice religious number.

Wednesday, June 15th, I spent the entire night of the full moon sitting in a park near my home in a "vigil;" and the morning of Thursday, I shaved my head and became...

The Mormonk.

Now you know.

Meditation

"Optimism is the Mormonk's bread and butter. Though it may not seem to be so, negativity is an indulgence... one that any Mormonk does his best to deny himself." ~The Mormonk

OK, to begin with, I found the most awesome combination in the world. Ready? Applesauce pancakes and DI chili.


Doesn't that just look delectable?

Being a Mormonk is much more emotionally draining than I had imagined it would be. I mean, I knew it was going to cut me off from the world. To a degree, that was the point. But this is really starting to wear on me.

You wanna know what it awesome, though? Morning meditation. Knowing nothing about real monk meditation, I simply decided to make it the time of day where I spent some time thinking about what it is I really want out of life, and who it is I am, really. And you know what? It works. It felt wonderful to just sit and think about how awesome life can be... will be, even.

I think one of the problems in life is that we become so wrapped up in the nonsense of the day-to-day grind that we forget to take care of ourselves. Being a monk has allowed me to do that. In fact, I feel obligated now to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I also feel guilty about wasting time and not being productive. My life is awesome right now.

Hopefully, the next 30-odd days will be even more awesome than the first five have been.

Bless you, my child.

Milestone

Well, it happened.

I'm just a volunteery kind of guy. Naturally, when they asked for people to do security on the church building and nobody seemed to want to raise their hands, I figured, "aw, what the heck," and I stuck mine right up there.

Sucurity is fairly straightforward. It's a week long assignment. Two men from the church are responsible for doing a walkthrough of the church building each night after activities, making sure that all the doors and windows are locked and that the building is actually vacant. Then, we do a walk-around outside to be sure everything's secure out there. Matt was my partner, and he kept the keys to the building. Pretty simple.

Saturday was to be our last day. At 10:05 pm I pulled into the parking lot. At about the same time, a silver car pulled in the other side. Perfect, I thought; Matt's right on time.

I parked one spot away from it and looked over to greet Matt. To my surprise, it wasn't Matt. It was a guy and girl I didn't recognize. We sort of stared at each other for a moment, then they put their car in reverse and left. Ah, well. I texted Matt to let him know I had arrived and sat back to wait for him.

About ten minutes later, I saw another car pulling into the parking lot. HERE he is, I thought. About time, too. But at just that moment, I got a text from Matt. He had forgotten all about it, but told me not to worry, that he and his brother would come do it later and that I was off the hook.

Well, then, who was THAT?

The car pulled up facing my car, and it was about then that I realized it was a police cruiser. The officer got out of the car, one hand on his gun or tazer or whatever it was. "Hello, sir," he said.

Oh, no way. This was too ironic. I was getting the cops called on me for trying to make sure that the building was safe.

We got a call, he said. Somebody said they saw you hanging out here.

Well, yes, I'm running security on the building, but my partner didn't show up, so I'm about to take off.

Uh-huh, he said. Do you just check the doors to make sure they're closed?

Well, no; we go in and make sure nobody's in there, and THEN we make sure all the doors are locked.

What company are you from?

Et cetera. Just my luck; I'm in the middle of Mormon central, and the darn cop isn't even Mormon. At least, he'd never done building security before, anyway. Finally he decided I checked out, and he took off.

I wish I could think on my feet better. There are so many fun things I could have done with him, including;

Told him I was on a religious pilgrimage to this particular chapel. Acted very emotional about it.

Referred to myself in third person as "the Mormonk."

Told him I was there to scare people off, and I'd probably be there all night.

Asked him who'd squealed. When he refused to tell, insist it was Frankie. Mutter something about 'getting that stool pigeon.'

OK, putting that aside, here's the real question; had I not been wearing a black robe and sporting a shaved head, would the cops still have gotten called? And because we're all fairly sure it was that silver car that called them, shouldn't the better question be, what were THEY doing in the parking lot? Honestly, they pull in, realize they're not alone, and pull out again.

Suspicious...

First Exposure

Right now, I'm not really doing anything crazy. I'm just trying to get as much public exposure in as possible.

Reactions have been pretty tame. Possibly people are afraid to look at me; I wear all black, and I have a shaved head, so I'm a little on the intimidating side. Today in the car, I pretended to cast a curse on a police officer who pulled up next to us. It involved a lot of finger wiggling. He mostly just stared at me. He was probably not sure how to react to a bald guy muttering in sign language. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep a straight face.

One of my jobs doesn't involve any face-to-face customer interaction, so I decided to wear my robes (next time you order something online, realize that the nice-sounding guy on the other end could be wearing just about anything... or nothing.) Again, almost no reaction. My boss continues to pretend that there's nothing strange about my clothing choice, although he does look a little nervous, as though he's unsure of how to broach the subject. My favorite reaction came from my co-worker, though. He came in and sat down in the cubicle next to mine, and we talked over the wall a little. After a moment I stood and came around. He looked me up and down, then gave me a nonplussed look. "Battleguard?" he asked.




Nope. Well... not yet, anyways.

INITIATION

"A Mormonk is one who has separated himself from the world. His rewards are great; he has walked where none have walked, he has seen what none have seen. The price is solitude." ~The Mormonk

Well, my children, my INITIATION is complete. Has been, actually, since Thursday morning; but I promised I'd get you some pictures.



Originally, INITIATION was going to be a very spiritual affair. I had ambitions of climbing Maple Mountain and spending the night up there contemplating the mysteries of life, or studying my scriptures, or gazing upon the full moon. I decided against Maple Mountain when my sister pointed out that mountain lions are nocturnal. Also highly carnivorous. Also local. Now, I'm just as brave as the next man, but I do enjoy my jugular the way it is, so I changed venue to a small park near my home.

Wednesday evening was amazing. Utah gets into a certain mood sometimes, like it's tired of being boring ol' Utah, and it puts on a show. On one side of the sky there were thick storm clouds. The sun painted them red, and lightning lanced down out of them on occasion. There was a smell of storm in the air, like any minute something amazing might happen. I had imagined a calm, peaceful night, but I kind of liked this better.

I was busy all day on Wednesday. My wonderful mother obliged me by putting the final touches on my robe and cowl. She has been surprisingly supportive of this idea.



A little after midnight, I donned my new robes and walked... solemnly... up the hill to the park.

The moon was full, and the storm clouds that had threatened had mostly cleared. It was perfect... for about ten minutes. Then the boredom set in. A cat gave up its hunt for a few minutes to come and introduce himself to me, and while it was pleasant to have company, it also kicked off my hay fever. Then, it began to get cold.

About 12.45 I bit the bullet and went back down to the house. I collected a blanket, my scriptures, and a small flashlight. I ended up never using the scriptures or the flashlight. Mostly I sat with the blanket wrapped around me, dozing uncomfortably on the park bench, wondering when the police were going to show up and end my misery.

4.10 am, I bit the bullet again and went back to the house. I dropped off my scriptures, flashlight, and blanket, and picked up a nice warm sleeping bag instead.

5.30 am, I woke from a surprisingly good nap. I felt bad that my vigil hadn't actually been that vigilant, and somewhat disappointed that the cops had never showed up. The sun wasn't quite up, but it was light out; so I rolled up the sleeping back and trudged back down the hill.

INITIATION wasn't all I had thought it would be, really. I realized, as I returned to the house, that like so many other things, if I had prepared better then it would have been much more amazing. No, being a MorMonk wasn't what I had thought it would be so far; but even with my plans constantly going awry, I am learning.

THIS completed INITIATION;


Now I can wear black robes in public and do all sorts of other weird things, but you know what I'm most excited about? Eating something other than bread.
No, seriously.

PURIFICATION

"The Key of the MorMonk is self-mastery. Take away the robes and the ceremonies, the shaver and the beard-trimmer, and what do you have left? A naked man who is, none-the-less, completely in control of himself." ~The MorMonk

PURIFICATION

So, purification kind of snuck up on me. For some reason, I figured I was going to start the purification cycle on a Wednesday or Tuesday. But there I was, Sunday night, thinking about my scheduling, and I realized, "oh, snap! My purification cycle begins tomorrow!"

This would have all been find and dandy, except... well, I wasn't completely sure what a purification cycle WAS. I knew that it began three days before INITIATION, and that it involved eating nothing but whole-wheat bread and water. Originally I was going to make the whole-wheat bread myself, but like I said, I forgot. Luckily, there were a couple of loaves hanging around, and I was able to eat them instead. OK, yes, they were store-bought, but you can't win them all.

I also haven't actually finished the robe yet. I had hoped to have two robes and a cowl finished before INITIATION, but it's looking like I'll be lucky to finish even one. I'll upload some pictures when I finish with it.

Today is day three of PURIFICATION. Despite myself, I have learned a thing or two already.

I noticed something odd began to happen when I began eating only bread and water. Slowly, I began to turn into a gingerbread man. OK, no. Actually, I began to use the internet a lot. A LOT, a lot. Like, I found myself checking facebook every five minutes. Logically, it didn't make any sense; was anything significant going to change in five minutes? Yet I found myself drawn back over and over and over again. Finally, toward the end of the day, I realized what had happened; I had eliminated a compulsive behavior, and the other one was making up for it. Eating for pleasure was out of the question now, so instead, boredom drove me to the computer.

To fix that, I determined that the following day, I would only check the computer once.

DAY TWO.
I checked the computer probably no later than seven in the morning. Not bad, when you consider that I woke up at 5.30 and had been dying to check in for the following hour and a half. Finally I gave in, and checked it.

No news.

Great. Just great. For the next four hours I found myself crawling the walls. Actually, to be literal, I mostly sat in my bed and pondered (meditated, I guess; I am a monk) on how much time I wasted eating and hanging out on the computer. I settled on annoying my brother, who at 10a STILL was not awake. He's fun. Work rescued me from 11a to 3.30p (thank you, Papa Johns!) but by 4p I was crawling the walls again.

Finally, I picked up my guitar and began to play. After about ten minutes, a thought came into my head; "this is boring. Go check facebook." I ignored the thought and continued playing; and oddly, my playing began to improve. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe facebook was one of the reasons that I was still such a poor guitarist after six or seven years of playing. What else was facebook and eating ruining for me?

I had promised myself that I would get a cell phone on DAY ONE, but I had been busy checking facebook. So, I got up and went and got myself a cell phone.

Then, I began to iron out my finances. This actually provided an excuse to get back on the computer... you know, so I could check my bank accounts online. Instead, I just got ready for when I had those numbers available, and reminded myself that it could wait. And you know what? It did.

Then, I went and hung out with my nephew for a few hours. By 'hung out,' I mean I watched Princess Mononoke while he slept in the other room. I didn't even miss any plot elements because I got distracted by facebook or food. It was amazing.

DAY THREE...

... is actually today. Already, though, I've noticed now that because two of my major compulsions are under control, a lot of the minor compulsions are easily controlled. I got out of bed; I prayed; I even exercised. And even know that I'm on the computer, facebook doesn't seem that important. My bank accounts are important, the blog is important, my e-mail is important. Facebook? Ehhh... not so much (as a note aside, should 'facebook' be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence?) You know, when you limit your resources, it's amazing how quickly your priorities iron themselves out.

I'll report on the rest of DAY THREE when I report on my INITIATION... which is tonight. Oh, snap! I also promise to post at least one ceremony, and to post some pictures. Until then...

Godspeed, my child.

Greetings.

Patience, my child. The MorMonk is coming.